Two years ago I made the difficult decision to step away from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I had spent several intense weeks wrestling with deeply conflicting emotions. As I’ve written about previously, in a pretty short time, God had opened my eyes both to Biblical truths regarding grace and the nature of God and to pretty significant flaws in Latter-day Saint history and doctrine. But I also tried to hold on to to my past spiritual experiences in the LDS faith. My feelings lassoed back and forth.
On January 18, 2023, I read a devotional from BYU Idaho written by Jayson Kunzler about the Prophet Joseph Smith. I had a “visceral negative reaction” to the talk. As I noted in my journal that night, “[t]he words of the talk came off as so blasphemous to me. It really felt like he was elevating Joseph Smith in a way that was only appropriate for Jesus Christ.” Reading that talk, all the doubts that I had been wrestling with came together with powerful clarity.
In Latter-day Saint culture, the phrase ‘my shelf broke’ refers to a moment when a person’s unresolved doubts or questions about the Church become too heavy to ignore. In that moment, my eyes were fully opened to how Joseph Smith’s teachings had gotten in the way of my faith in Christ. My shelf broke.
That night a local Christian Church, House of Bread, had a worship and prayer night. I felt strongly that I needed to go to it.
As I arrived, I wrote down this note “I’m here tonight to make a decision to rely on Christ. God help me to do so.”
House of Bread is a billingual Russian and English speaking Church, and so some of the music was in English and other songs in Russian. As I sang songs about surrendering to Christ in both my native language and the language that I had used while serving as an LDS missionary, I powerfully felt God’s presence drawing me to Himself and inviting me to surrender to him.
Two of the worship songs that they played were especially moving for me that mnight. One was Way Maker by Leeland especially the line “You are here, moving in this place. I worship you. I worship you”
But the song Make Room by Meredith Andrews stood out in particular. The lyrics felt like a providential tender mercy from God.
“Here is where I lay it down Every burden, every crown. This is my surrender.
I will make room for you to do whatever you want to.”
These lyrics were the desire of my heart. I had come to surrender myself fully to Christ and to lay down all of my burdens and all of my crowns (especially all of my religious pride and all boasting)
After the worship, I felt called to go up to one of the staff of the Church to ask for a prayer. I hadn’t planned to give too many details, but we started talking in Russian and so I mentioned that I had served as an LDS missionary in Russia for two years and that I was looking to give myself to Christ.
He invited me to pray a prayer of submission in Russian. Here is how I described it that evening, “I prayed a pretty simple prayer in Russian welcoming Jesus into my heart and rejecting anything that stops me from coming fully to him. Then he had me repeat words after him accepting Christ and rejecting all false teachings of Joseph Smith and the LDS Church. I wouldn’t have prayed for that or said those words otherwise, but I felt that it was right to say it. He then also put oil on me and prayed for me.”
In that moment, I felt that I was rejecting Joseph and choosing Jesus. I would not have been able to be so bold had he not invited me to pray those words. But it was exactly what I needed.
Afterwards I wrote down that “I feel light and peace right now. It is a really wonderful feeling.”
I immediately expressed my feelings in this manner, “I’m sure I will have moments of doubt still. But I really feel like tonight I made a choice to follow Jesus Christ and not Joseph Smith. I need to follow through on that. I believe it is what God truly wants for me.”
Right afterwards I went and got myself a Matcha green tea + taro bubble tea from a nearby store. It was the first time I had green tea in 15 years. This drink symbolized the freedom I now had in Christ—a freedom not bound by a “yoke of slavery” of manmade rules but rooted in grace. (Gal 5:1) I rejoiced that “[f]or freedom Christ has set [me] free.” (Gal 5:1)
Later that evening, I reflected on how I felt
“I’ve been feeling amazing since then to be honest. I feel the spirit within me and feel confident and decisive about my choice. I’m grateful to God for all the miracles that led both me and [my wife] out of the Church and into Biblical Christianity. It would have been inconceivable just a few months or even weeks ago.
I’m here because God kept working on my heart and not letting me look away and get back to complacency with the Church.”
I praise God for that day. I praise him for working on my heart continually and not stopping to pursue me. I praise him for bringing me out of darkness and into the kingdom of his beloved son!
That day I expected to have moments of doubt and to feel like I had made a big mistake. That is what I had been led to expect. I had been taught that I would lose the holy spirit and experience great darkness. But that NEVER happened. As I’ve studied and worshiped and learned, my conviction that I made the right decision two years ago has only gotten stronger. The feelings of uncertainty and guilt that I expected to feel never came. Instead, God has continued to work in my life and drawn me closer to him.
Is God pursuing you? Are there burdens or crowns you feel called to lay down at Christ’s feet?
Bring them him today. I promise you that Christ’s grace is sufficient for you–always and forever.
