Since leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for Evangelical Christianity, I have been trying to figure out how to best convey to people the difference that my embrace of salvation by grace alone through faith alone has had on me. 

This can be really hard to do. When I would hear Protestants tell me that I was relying too much on works, I would dismiss that accusation.  believed that grace was at the heart of the message of the Restoration. I believed that the ordinances and covenants of the Church were expression of divine grace for me.  I was doing it all out of love for God and I loved doing it. And I really truly believed that.  

It was only after I left and fully embraced salvation by grace alone through faith alone that I realized how heavy a burden I had been carrying without even realizing it

One of the best analogies that I have come up with is how you have to work harder to breathe when living in a more mountainous climate like in Utah. While living there, it all feels quite normal. You don’t realize that each gulp of air takes in less oxygen and that your whole body needs to work more to compensate. You don’t realize the stress and strain that this has on you.

But when you leave the mountains and travel somewhere on the coast, you almost immediately feel the difference. You can breathe freely. Your body can relax and rest. 

Similarly, when I was in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I did not realize how much weight and pressure I was carrying and what a strain it was having on me. 

I thought that I was pretty well adjusted in the Church. I wasn’t constantly gripped with anxiety or uncertainty like some are. I wasn’t particularly susceptible to scrupulosity. I was not subject to depression. I avoided some of the more direct negative consequences that plague many members. 

And yet, the pressure to achieve and to live up to impossibly high standards took its often invisible toll on me. 

It manifested itself in mostly subtle ways. For instance, a nagging concern that I had not been chosen for a leadership calling because I had done something to displease God. Or a lingering worry that I had been a member for 14 years and yet was going in circles rather than growing more sanctified. Most of the time these fears and anxieties were under the surface. But they subtly impacted my relationships. I was more judgmental with myself and others, more harsh impatient, more irritable. 

I also felt the pressure of needing to be a constant example to others because their salvation depended on me. I felt that I could never show doubt or disagreement with the Church or else I would destroy my non-member family members chance to be converted. Ultimately so much weight rested on my shoulders. I was responsible for not only perfecting myself, but being a Savior on Mount Zion for all my ancestors and non-member family and friends. That’s a truly massive burden.

Don’t get me wrong. I still want to help people come to Christ. I still pray for the salvation of my friends and family. I still try to serve in my Church as vigorously as I can.

But I now know a few things. First of all, God is sovereign and in control. I can do my small part. But God’s plan and purposes will not be frustrated by what I do or fail to do. Second, my salvation and eternal happiness depends solely on the righteousness of Christ which is already a sure thing. I do not need to achieve a certain level of worthiness or sanctification to be with God. All I need to do is come to Christ with open arms and fall at his feet in worship and he will take care of the rest. Third, my eternal happiness will come from being in the presence of God for eternity and so it is not contingent on what any other human being does. I long for the salvation of those I care about. But my eternal fate does not rest on how they exercise their agency. 

Understanding all of tthat frees me from anxiety and guilt and shame and all of that heavy load that I didn’t realize I was carrying. It allows me to love and serve God and others because I want to and because I am full of gratitude and not because I am striving to earn something. Or as Timothy Keller put it, “We obey not in the fear and insecurity of hoping to earn our salvation, but in the freedom and security of knowing we are already saved in Christ. We obey in the freedom of gratitude.”

Timothy Keller poignantly described what I experienced and what so many Latter-day Saints experience as “an endless treadmill of guilt and insecurity.” I love this metaphor because when we get on a treadmill our body feels like it is actually going somewhere. But in reality we are working and working but never reaching a destination. That describes my experience in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints so well.

I am so grateful to be free of the unnecessary burdens that I carried. I now for the first time understand and fully experience what Jesus promised: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.

Latter-day Saint friends. Are you experiencing the “rest unto your souls” that Christ promised? Or are you still “heavy laden” with anxiety and guilt and uncertainty. Come to Christ and rely solely on him. And I promise that you will feel rest and peace as you never have before.